About Me

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I was recently set free by an amazing woman who gave me 3 beautiful children. At the ripe age of 37 years old I am currently learning about dating, in the 2011's. So much has changed and my old ways seems rusty at best, and to be honest, they were never all that good :-)But here I am, making my way.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Issue #8 - Icebreaker - I'm not HIM! I'm me!

To my followers, both of you, I wanted to say sorry for the delay, I have been having...issues, but they are fixed. I know its been months since I last posted a blog and I wasn't sure I when or IF I would even return to blogging. But like the saying goes, "Opinions are like Assholes and everyone has one!" I'm no different.  Icebreaker is MY opinion, My perspective, and My outlet. The world be damned, I'm gonna make this blog EPIC and not a waste of time (shameless plug on a previous blog topic)....also the few followers I do have, seem to like it, so without further a due, Icebreaker's return:

My last blog indicated that I was going to write a "4 part series" which was based off of something I can't even remember. Now I want you to think of it like a TV series cliff hanger, season finale, but without the proper closure in the season premire, 'cuz that's what that part of my life was. I was attempting to make my way, doing the things the way I have always done them and hoping for a different outcome. I think that's a definition of something, but Wikipedia isn't working so I'm not gonna bother with the word. But that mentality was the source of my failures, and from the ashes rises a Phoenix or in my case a chiseled Icebreaking machine!! ;-)

I guess its best to start with a short explanation of my fall and ultimate wake up...strike!! This winter I turned into a home body, a recluse, a couch potato, a {yikes} Big L (hand to forehead with thumb and forefinger). How did I get there, well, you read my blog, more failure than success stories. But how did I finally make some positive changes....with the help of a literal wake up strike to the balls. This isn't to say that I wasn't out in the field. I actually met and spend time with a couple great women. But it was in these, dare I say the word, "relationships", that I realized I was broken. When you have a great time with a woman and can't find yourself enjoying it, your broken. 

I was saying I was living in the moment, but my moment was somewhere in the past. I ended two relationships, short, but fun, with the basic saying of "I can't see where tomorrow is, but I'm fine with today, if that's not good enough for you, I understand." Both decided they wanted more and I'm happy to still call both friends. But that's not what made me realize I needed to change. It was the cock strike that woke me up.....!*$##@

Now I want to be clear here....I am not using a code or talking about an actual chicken, or some other secret language. When I say cock strike, that is what I mean...a direct, closed fist, side of the palm to the groin...the nuts and berries, the apples and sauce...you get the Austin Powers reference? (If not, you should probably stop reading cause this won't be funny to you!)

I remember it like it was 7 months and 3 days ago..roughly. I would like to say I was quietly minding my own business, I would like to say I wasn't at a bar, and I would like to say I didn't deserve it, but that would violate a blogging rule of mine. So, for the record, I was attempting to work the 'Kavorka" (when you can do no wrong with woman), I was at a bar, and I DID deserve something...not necessarily a cock smack, but...During my chat, the topic of being single came up and I replied that I was divorced. So was she. We formed a connection, *****IMPORTANT IDEA HERE**** on  negative topic! Now I didn't know this at the time, but by connecting on a negative topic, we began to talk about negative things in our lives, and although I felt I was having a Kavorka moment, it was actually me becoming her dumping ground for negative emotional baggage. 

Now when a woman is angry at an ex-husband and you start to reminder her of him, 1 of 3 things can happen. 1.) Angry, no holds barred, sex. [WOOT WOOT]  2.) Parting as friends who shared pain. [Cool] 3.) Simply put, a cock punch. [Who knew right..I would think there would multiple outcomes, none of which involved a cock punch!!] But there I was enjoying a drink with a pretty lady, talking, sharing f...fee...feelings!! But as she spoke I found myself thinking.. "Where is this going?" Believing in only 2 possible outcomes, and hoping for Choice #1. I decided it was time to work the magic I learned from all my failures, I mean I knew what I was doing now!!

It was time to change the topic, I needed a transition sentence of some type.  I had to turn this topic around, but I was unsure of how to do it. So I decided, based on what I thought I saw, to start making physical contact, you know...grounding . Go big or go home, right? Nothing overt..at first, but I missed that I wasn't being touched back. She wasn't saying no verbally because she was talking about her hurt feelings, I was also missing the volumes she was saying in body language. Being the sensitive guy I am, I moved my hand to her knee as I said the words "life goes on, we have to deal with it."  well apparently this is something similar to what her ex had said on the day he told her he had a girlfriend, who was 10 years her younger, and "better in the sack". (Real nice guy!!) This caused a physiological response of her looking down and to the left. 

Now I recognized this immediately as meaning - her body was performing a combination of emotional and creative recalls, and in the time it took me to process that, she attempted to move my hand from her knee. Now everyone knows, its better to move your hand yourself, then to have a chick move it. If she actually touches it, the set back is tough to recover from, but if you can move it first, you have the opportunity to go back. So I pulled it away quickly, and in her haste to move it combined with not knowing my hand was going to move, I took a shot to the boys! I made a horrific noise, more out of fear than actual pain. People looked and her hand was coming from the groin area. This intern embarrassed her and she ran off, crying! And no, she didn't not come back! Still trying to figure out if she was being creative about her bar tab or really hurt!!

So there I was, in a bar, having taken a shot to the frank and beans, with a chick that ran away, crying, while being stared at by everyone!! I was actually waiting for some disgruntled lady to throw a drink on me. The bottom line was ended up I paying both tabs and I looked like a Bag of Dicks. Oh, yeah, I left a lone too, but worst of all I looked like THAT GUY to everyone in the place and kind of felt that way too. So I packed it up and headed home. This is when I decided to find the guy I WAS, and learn how to stop being the guy I had become!

See I remember a time in my life when I had the ability to talk with anyone, hell everyone, a time when I was filled with real smiles, and could start a party without trying. Over then next few months I came to terms with my faults and the biggy here, relationships fail because you become stagnant. The failures in my life were MY fault, I had the ability to control them and chose not  I'm the guy who gets better and smarter everyday, I learn from everyone around me, but more importantly, I found the Kavorka...for life not for women, but they seem to like too!!!

Who am I? I'm the Icebreaker - 

Friday, January 20, 2012

Blog #7 - Does Foghorn needs his Leghorn - Part 1 of a 4 part series

Fog Horn Leg Horn is a classic, yet under valued, cartoon icon. I think its because his name sucks. Its just to damn long, I tried shortening it to like just Foghorn.....then just Leghorn. The truth is Foghorn Needs his Leghorn. And with that thought, oddly enough, came the wing-man. i mean I had always had one at my side and I felt like I wasn't reaching my full potential. It was time to fly from the nest. But before I start the next journey, I wanted to recap the wing-man’s role, because honestly, they can make or break you, regardless of your level skill in the “game”.

As my transition from “Husband” to “Single” has been interesting and I have found that I seemto use nick names and terms about every junction I pass through. This being no different I wanted to share some of the wing-man situations that have presented themselves as I moved through single life. These situations are based off my own experiences and are all products of incidents involving a wing-man (or in 1 case an “Alleged incident”).

The “Goalie”:

So it starts with what I will call a “bad” night. I was confronted with various “outside forces” acting in concert with the Universe to shatter a perfectly nice summer evening. in the aftermath, I lie on the couch, mumbling to myself, some drool formed in the corner of mouth. The dog was staring at me in disbelief, I think wondering if she could finally kill the cat without me noticing. The house was dead quiet! If it were a movie, it would have been an ominous sign.

Then my cell rings...breaking the silence, causing me to choke on the saliva, but its actually the first good news of the night. The ring tone isn’t the Imperial March nor is it the cackling laugh of a witch, both bad signs!!! Its the theme from “Blade”, no idea the name but I like the beat, it picks me up and lets me know the night might  still be salvaged. Sadly I learn the Dude may have had an equally disturbing evening. The choices that present themselves are simple, drool on the couch alone, or hit the field and see I can play the game. The decision is made, lets play ball!!!

So we hit the town, drool is gone and I found that I had become severely dehydrated. I seem to remember a saying like “Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate” or did I learn that at the quitters convention known as AA? (Yeah I called you a quitter!!) The main problem was that I hadn’t begun drinking early, so I had to compensate by drinking often.

One of the fun parts about my life is that I don’t plan, plans are for those that lack imagination and creativity to deal with evolving situations that life presents. Once we hit the city we decide to be our own person and meet up later. The Dude started the “rounds”and I did the perch and pounce. You know sit and or stand in one area and let the ladies walk by me. As I was waiting for the “right” woman to walk by I saw an unattractive, yet well endowed, woman looking my way. She approached and spoke with me. No cause for concern here, I wasn’t interested in the least, so I was calm, confident, and polite. All 3 of these things sent the wrong message, but she walked away with a smile, so no harm done! I continued my perch tactics, but decided to move to a different location in case she came back around. No use being easy to find, I didn’t want the “rude” that I’m so capable of using being thrown out there.

I find 2 young ladies, short skirts, long legs, blonde hair, sitting alone. But damn, why do they all look so young?? And no I don’t feel like a dirty old man. I step to the plate, game time is here and I’m not sure I can pull it off, big swig, empty my glass and walk up. The opener I chose was corny but it gives me more room to move, you can make fun it, yourself, or as I did in this case, some poor sap that I said used it a few minutes before.So for my opener I asked her if the tag of her shirt said “made in heaven?” She, and her friend, looked disgusted, I pointed to the Dude who was still making rounds, and said “I just heard him say it” and then I waved with him off with the 2 finger - thumb out wave, a pre-determined sign to stay away for now. He looks confused and walks off and with that the “opener” was sold, and they giggle with me, at him. Ice-broken! We discuss his poor choice of pick-up lines and I SUAL (remember Shut Up And Listen). They enjoy talking about themselves and I enjoy thinking I’m doing good. Then one starts smoking. The other takes a couple puffs. Now, maybe I’m picky, or stupid, but the idea of cigarette breath, complete turn OFF. I think about it more....and decide to order myself another drink, in a high ball glass, make it a double! Maybe I can move past this, I mean seriously, if we add their ages together then they are older than me, and so I could call them Cougars!! I continue running commentary, I’m doing well, they offer a smoke. I think “No, smoking sucks!” Oh, did I say that out loud....yes, yes I did. They are offended, they say I should find little “Ms. Perfect” I say I will, but I’m waiting for my drink and they leave.

They had a nice spot outside, and oddly enough I hear someone say, thanks the smell of smoke sucks. There I go, another opening built off the first. I turn, its Ms. Well Endowed! Shit, she snuck up on me. She sees I’m low on my drink and tells the waitress I needed a refill. Although I already had one coming I let her order me another, and I say Kettle and Soda, High Ball, double, again. My 1st drink arrives, which I inhale, while keeping up the small talk, all the taboo topics like politics, religion, Yankees vs. Red Sox...nothing seemed to offend her. The Dude comes by again, this time I send out the 4 fingers and a half wave, meaning “Help” as in S.O.S. He giggles and walks away, I roll my eyes, she thinks I was being funny about her topic, which I clearly wasn’t listening too! But it was a ruse, and he returns. “Hey man I need help, Ladies, I need to steal my friend” and BAM I’m out. I realize I missed the free drink though and decide to work on my timing better!

I run into some friends and settle into the evening. Nothing like friends and a few high ball glasses to recover from what might have been a bad night. As I chat I see Ms. Well Endowd, she’s with her friend, she smiles, I give the ‘how you doing’ nod...wait, what did I just do??? Shit...I recognize this, I had inadvertently put on the goggles! I look away, mental note, DON’T MAKE EYE CONTACT!!

Although I know I can trust myself, I begin to look for the exit, no need to take chances. I mean, whats the big deal anyway....Holy shit...I better find the Dude and get outta Dodge!! AS I walk past her, she grabs my arm, she has my drink. I take it, a drink is a drink, Curses, she is smart!!! We talk, she seems nice, and as I stare at her chest, she doesn't attempt to draw my attention else where...Damn Goggles!! I look around for help as she asks where I’m headed. She thinks she is headed home for a drink...was it an open ended statement? Crap...the goggles have welded themselves to my face.

I’m in full on panic now. Is this it, is tonight the night I have chew my own arm off. See back in the day, it was easy to tell a chick to pound sand, I wasn’t out to find a friend and when I made it home, there was going to be a lady there waiting! Now the goggles and foggy judgement were playing trick on me. I could walk out without her, no one would know...Mopeds are fun, right?? As I was patting myself on the back about how I was going from Icebreaker to Closer...which was clearly not the debate I should have been having. The Goalie came out of no where. He was like a savior, I knew instantly, he saw inside my head. “What are thinking man?” he said.  I said I’m gonna do something “big and bad!” No, no your not, and like that I was saved. He thwarted her scoring drive, gave the Dude a penalty flag for unnecessary distance from a bad decision, and escorted me away the source.  She walked away. As she did I was thankful, I was wondering if I could have chewed through my own arm to avoid waking her!

Sadly I never gave him a proper thank you. The Goalie is the unsung hero. Closing with that girl would have been a loser for me, after all no sex is better than the kind your friends get to make fun of you for!

So does Foghorn need his Leghorn? He did that night and Goalie....Your the man!!!

Icebreaker out!!